Accountability is something I always seem to be thinking about. Holding public figures accountable for their various actions. Holding ourselves accountable for our actions. Holding other people accountable in our everyday lives.
I guess I’ve been thinking about this a bit more because of all the various public figures who have had allegations of sexual misconduct raised against them. About how we treat women. And how we hold ourselves accountable for those actions. While I’m nowhere near the level of those accused it is still a valid practice to evaluate my own behavior.
I’ve been an asshole. I don’t deny it. Never have. But I do hold myself accountable. Some of that was working nights and the stress of my old job. Not making an excuse there, but it is important to acknowledge that it was a factor. And I have noticed so many differences in myself since I stopped working nights. In the case of LMCBW, I had a list of mistakes I made (should have said I loved you every day, etc.) ranging from huge to minuscule as a reminder to hold myself to the same standard I hold her. Not sure where it is at the moment, but the point is I critiqued myself as much as I critiqued her. At various times I’ve almost sent her this apology in some form. Decided against it for a variety of reasons. I typed it up and stuck it at the end of this entry. Kind of just… making an example of myself, just demonstrating a simple way to hold myself accountable. Regardless of my opinions and the facts, I was a bastard and I want to make damn sure I’m not dodging responsibility for my actions.
The important thing is to acknowledge mistakes. Learn from them. Hold yourself accountable. Acknowledge those factors, but own the fact that in the end it is you that is responsible. Accept that a lot of stuff is probably your fault.
So I doubt you’ll ever read this. And that’s okay. Mostly I want this out there. I held a lot of anger towards you. Felt like you set us up to fail. That you distanced yourself from me then complained about how far apart we were. That you refused to listen then shunned me for not talking enough. And a list of other things. I won’t debate the truth of that. In the end you talked about not wanting me to change who I was for you. Problem with that: Life is change. Changing yourself and those around you. You stop changing when you die. Truth is, I liked who I was changing into with you. And I liked the person you could have become too. I’m sorry I failed to keep you and be the man I should have been.